Today is day two of my abstinence. It came to me fairly easy, which makes me feel as though I truly am powerless of over this disease. Not much was different today compared to Friday, and yet one day was pretty mellow while the other one was wracked with guilt and compulsion. It doesn’t make sense. But I’m starting to think it doesn’t have to.

I still have trouble comprehending God or a Higher Power, but the thought that it isn’t me making abstinence happen makes sense. I can’t force it to happen. I can’t will it into being. I’m still not sure how to totally let go of control, but the best way I know how is to recognize my progress and listen to others’ stories about how the compulsion has been lifted.

I pray that tomorrow is another easy abstinent day, but if it’s not, I hope that I can use the tools to work for abstinence until I can experience another easy day. Giving up doesn’t work – that’s the one thing I know for sure.

I talked to Keith on the phone tonight and am feeling like I might actually be able to believe that if it’s meant to be, it will happen in it’s own time. If not, I can only believe that my Higher Power has someone or something better in store. I had to bite my tongue several times to keep from making a comment about my feelings for him, but I think that this is a time when saying less is actually doing the right thing. Any conclusions he comes to about us have to be from him, not from me badgering him. In the meantime, I have to keep working on myself so that I can be a better human being for all the people in my life. I don’t want to be the selfish, dishonest person I was (and still partly am) anymore.