I don’t even know what to write about tonight, but I do know that I shared at my f2f meeting that I need to start using this tool of writing. It’s one of the tools that I work the least. Lately I’ve been feeling A LOT of sadness. My dad just stopped by for a visit here in Seattle after a 10-day meditation retreat (so cool!) but some of the stuff we were talking about just made me really sad. Mostly his relationship with my mom because I want them to be happy but I just feel like they’ve done so much damage to their relationship already that it’s hopeless. I hear some of the ways he treats her with his controling nature and just feel like she should leave him now so that maybe she’ll have the chance to find happiness with another man in her life. But she loves him. And doesn’t have the confidence that she’ll find someone else. I try not to blame him for the state of their relationship because I can always see her auto-reactions to him. She judges him based on “what he’s always done” which of course puts him on the defensive. Anyway, I feel like I’m overanalyzing and trying to reason out their relationship. This brings it back to me. Problem. I feel like if I could just “figure it out” I could help them solve all their problems. One thing that made me really sad was that I told my Dad on Monday night that I didn’t think there was a “chance in hell” that they could make themselves happy and stay together. The two were mutually exclusive in my mind. Then I felt all guilty like now that my Dad knew I didn’t have faith in them, he wasn’t going to try as hard. Which is bullshit. And self-centered. Their relationship is out of my control and not for me to decide what’s right. It is NOT for me to fix.

God, thy will be done for my parents as well as for me.

Please take their relationship, turn it into what you would have it be, and show me the truth.

Thy will, not mine, be done.