confiance
searching for serenityArchive for HOW ?
HOW Question #18
18. Read Chapter 5 in the AA Big Book (“How It Works”). Write on dependence as you understand it in OA. How can dependence lead to greater independence.
When I first read about this concept in Step 3, I didn’t quite get it. But after they gave the electricity example, it made more sense. Sometimes when you’re able to turn over control, it may feel scary, but in the end take the pressure off you. If I were to completely depend on God for direction in my life, it would give me more independence, because I wouldn’t always be wasting my time trying to control the show.
I’ve seen how this works with the HOW food plan. I was always afraid to try it because it didn’t give me the choices I thought I needed. When I finally gave in and depended completely upon the plan for determining what I would eat, I found it was a relief to not have to be making choices all the time. I didn’t have to control with willpower whether or not I was going to “behave” with my eating each day. By depending on the OA food plan, I have found more independence in my day-to-day life – both with eating and with time I can now spend thinking about other things.
HOW Question #17
17. Re-read Step 3. Discuss and reflect upon the following quote: “Faith alone can avail us nothing.”
This quote reminds me of the story about the guy who prays to God everyday to win the lottery. He prays and he prays but never wins the lottery. Finally he is about to give up but decides to go to church one last time to pray to God. When he does, God reponds in a very frustrated voice, and says, “For God’s sake man, PLEASE go buy a lottery ticket!”
All the prayer and faith in the world won’t do you any good if you’re not willing to take the necessary actions. Someone also once mentioned that they ask God to help them make good food choices, but know that he can’t physically make their meals for them. We can pray and ask for help, but must take action too.
The third step discusses how it’s important for the action to be in line with God’s will rather than self will. Self will can be a roadblock for listening to God’s will, so even if you have faith, you have to be willing to let go of control. Take action that is guided by his will for you. I think just last week I was talking about how I could let God into my life for my eating, but was not ready to turn every little thing over or believe that I didn’t have the ability to make choices for myself. This is something I’m still working out in my head, and I think it’s part of what’s holding me back. I’m afraid to let go, and lose that control that has kept my life together in the past.
HOW Question #16
16. Read Step 3. Create another balance sheet. On one side list all the reasons you can for believing in God. On the other side list all the reasons for disbelieving.
Reasons to believe
-The number of people in OA who have found happiness and peace by following program. To hear people discuss their experiences with their higher powers makes me realize that if enough people are talking about it, there has to be some truth to it.
-Nature and the immense beauty we’re surrounded by.
-The way life works out sometimes. Things just happen right when you need them to or even when I think I didn’t get what I wanted (eg when my life “fell apart” in June) I can look back later and realize it happened for a reason.
-In OA I’ve been shocked several times the way something speaks to me right when I need it. Whether it’s the Voices of Recovery for the day, the meeting topic or something an OA fellow says.
Reasons to not believe
-It’s been ingrained in me for way too long. How do I reverse the thinking?
-How could there possibly be someone or something that can control the world like puppets? That could actually keep tabs on every single human being and beyond and have a plan for all of them?
-The idea of creation, that God magically created the world and life just doesn’t seem believable.
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Overall, it seems like I have a number of concrete reasons for believing but only abstract ideas (or lack of understanding) for why I shouldn’t believe. The thought that keeps coming to my mind is “I just can’t possibly wrap my mind around the idea of an all-knowing power.”
HOW Question #15: Childhood Religion
15. Re-read Step 2. Discuss and reflect upon your childhood exposure to any religious concept. On a two column balance sheet, list on one side your negative feelings and on the other your positive feelings as they relate to your early religious experience. What conclusion do you reach when you reflect upon this balance sheet?
Negative Feelings
-Father grew up very religious and rebelled against it in his adult years – was an atheist and refused to ever talk about God.
-I remember my family having the knee jerk negative reaction to anyone speaking about their religious beliefs on TV, whether is was on the news or in Oscar acceptance speeches.
-Rarely went to church and therefore felt very uneducated about religion
-I think it’s very hard to find that innate belief in a Higher Power if you haven’t already done so before you develop a stronger scientific background/critical thinking sense. Because if you’ve already developed those areas of your life, it makes it tough to just accept that there’s an all-ruling presence who is involved in every single person’s fate.
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Positive Feelings
-Church camp on Flathead Lake: being surrounded by good friends and nature for a full week. Singing about and discussing religion with a great group of people helps you to believe it. Listening to others your age talk about their beliefs.
-Nature in general: feeling the higher power when amazed by your surroundings.
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When I look at my balance sheet, it’s obviously skewed toward the negative feelings. It shows me that I was never taught about religion, even about why I shouldn’t believe. So all I’m left with are these hard-set feelings that don’t have a basis for me to pick apart. I connect with the part of Step 2 that says, “Religion says the existence of God can be proved; the agnositc says it can’t be proved; and the atheist claims proof of the nonexistence fo God. Obviously, the dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion. He thinks himself lost to the comfrot of any conviction at all. He cannot attain in even a small degree the assurance of the believer, the agnostic or the atheist. He is the bewildered one.” That’s how I feel. Unable to have conviction either way. It’s frustrating!
HOW Question #14: Defiance
14. Re-read Step 2. Discuss and reflect upon the following concepts available in Step Two:
a) Belief means reliance, not defiance.
b) Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of every compulsive overeater
c) The hoop you have to jump through is a lot wider than you think
Defiance is definitely a characteristic I’ve held onto for a long time. I often like to be in control, so when I’m not, I defy whatever someone is telling me, rather than realizing it’s not a big deal. I think it also comes into play with denial, because for a long time, I was defiant about the things I needed to do to get better.
When it comes to a higher power, I would say I’m still trying to defy God. I’m making progress by trying to rely on him. I am trying to re-program myself so that when a feeling of stress, anxiety, boredom or self-centeredness comes up, I turn to him to ask for his help. Similarly, when a happy or peaceful feeling comes up, I’m trying to share my gratitude for the blessings I’ve been given in life. I think the more I learn to rely on God, the less I’ll feel the need to fight against the concept of him and defy him.
It’s hard to talk about the size of the hoop I have to jump through because at this point, I still don’t know. I feel like that is something I’ll look back on and say, “I never realized how much room I had until I got through.” For now I just have to keep working the program and believe the literature when it tells me there are several different routes that people have taken to connect with their higher power.
HOW Question #13: Substitutions
13. Read AA Big Book Chapter 4. Discuss and reflect upon how we use the substitution method of accepting the presence of a higher power. How have you looked for substitutes all of your life? Are you still looking?
I’m not sure I completely understand this question, but I think it’s talking about acting “as if” and doing things that have worked for other people. If I don’t have my own firm connection with a higher power, I can aske others how they got started and what they do now that makes them feel close to their higher powers. Then if I can be willing to do those things, maybe I can believe that someday they will lead me to my own higher power as well.
The idea of acting as if really bothered me at first. It felt like I was being fake and brainwashing myself. When I’ve been trying so hard lately to be true to myself and honest, it seemed like a step backward. These days I’m realizing that if that doesn’t sit well with me, I can still take other’s advice and just make sure I’m keeping an open mind and listening. That way, I’m not deadset for or against it. I’m just seeing how it goes.
I think I used to make a lot of unhealthy substitutions in my life. Most apparent were food for happiness and any jackass that showed interest for true love. I put up with a lot of crap because I didn’t believe I could have the “real thing” when it came to love. I’ve avoided relationships lately because of my low self-esteem, and now because I don’t think I could handle it. The care has to be focused on myself, not someone else.
When I was substituting food for happiness, I don’t think I realized how much of my life it really crowded out. Many people in OA say that once you get out of the food, you have a lot of time and self to fill up. Who am I now that I’m not just a compulsive overeater? How can I make another substitution, only this time it will be substituting something that truly makes me happy for the food.
HOW Question #12
12. Read Step 2. Discuss and reflect upon the concept of insanity as it applies to us in OA.
Before coming to OA, I used to feel crazy a lot. Actually, I still feel crazy, but I know that at least I’m not alone, and I’ve been able to recognize several reasons why I was harming myself prior to OA. I would feel so crazy when I was choosing food over my friends or choosing food over my job. I would feel crazy when I was sick to my stomach and yet still determined to eat the rest of my binge food.
In the OA 12 & 12, it says, “Our true insanity could be seen in the fact that we kept right on trying to find comfort in excess food, long after it began to cause us misery.” I didn’t know how to make myself feel better, except for stuffing down the bad feelings with food. It had worked at the beginning, and I just refused to admit it didn’t work anymore. Not only did it not work, it made me feel ten times worse than I did when the binge craving first started.
Insanity of compulsive overeating almost seems like a defensive mechanism. If you were actually sane enough to watch what you were doing and how you treated yourself, you would flip out. The insanity of lying to myself, believing things that I wanted to be true and continuing to hurt myself, was the reason I stayed in the food for so long. It saved me and it hurt me, all at the same time.
HOW Question #11: Honesty, Open-Mindedness & Willingness
11. Read Chapter 4 of the AA Big Book. Discuss and reflect upon the concepts of Honesty, Open Mindedness, and Willingness. How are these tools of growth in the OA program?
This was my first time reading the “For Agnostics” chapter, and I really enjoyed it. It echoed a lot of the thoughts I have about a Higher Power, and also pointed out several unarguable ideas about faith and the proof that this program brings.
Honesty is key in this program for me. Partly because I’ve been a very dishonest person up til now in all areas of my life, and partly because I was in denial about just how sick I was. I have to work hard to believe in myself and my decisions, because one of the main reasons I lie is to agree with someone or downplay whatever I believe. I need to learn that it’s ok to say what I want and need without apologizing. I also need to learn honesty within myself because if I’m not honestly listening to where I’m at, I won’t be truly giving OA a shot. If I ignore doubts or feelings I have about a Higher Power simply because I want to move to the next step, I won’t get all that I should from these steps. And if I ignore true glimpses I have of the possibility of a Higher Power because it goes against everything I’ve “known” in the past, I’m not honestly allowing myself a chance to recover. Honesty lets me discuss how I’m feeling and reach out for help when I need it – whether I want it or not.
Open mindedness goes right in hand with honesty, because unless I’m willing to clear out the biases I had from my childhood or education, I won’t ever be able to give a Higher Power a true consideration. It would be like staring out the window, hoping for sunshine to come in, but refusing to open the blinds. I can’t be close to my Higher Power unless I turn off the electric fence I’ve built around me. I’ve also found that Open mindedness brings about a lot of peace. If I can get myself to stop debating in my head for just five minutes and allow myself to open my mind, I don’t have to fight. If I decide I don’t have to take on the proof of God, my job gets a lot easier. Just open my mind and listen.
Willingness is also important because in order to open my mind, I have to be willing. I have to be willing to accept that everything I’ve believed up to now may be wrong. I have to be willing to take the daily steps of prayer and writing to try to keep a connection (or get one) with a Higher Power. I have to be willing to open my eyes and recognize that so many people around me are telling their stories of a power greater than themselves, and how the power has helped to relieve them of their disease.
HOW Question #10
10. Re-read Step Two. Discuss and reflect upon the effectiveness of OA from your personal experience and from what you have observed in others. Could what you have experienced emanated solely from you? If so, why had it not happened before?
When I first joined OA, it really struck me that so many people would share stories that sounded identical to mine. It was then even more surprising to hear these people talk about recovery and their journey toward it. If they had had my experiences, but could still get better, than maybe I had a chance. One of the main reasons I go to and enjoy meetings is because I get to hear people share about how the program has worked for them, and they often comment on issues I’m trying to deal with.
For myself personally, I have tried more times than I can count to eat better, lose weight and exercise more. It’s always ended in failure. So the mere fact that I’m still trudging along successfully is a testament to the program.
My first reaction to the question about “is it emanating solely from you” is yes. My first abstinence was about willpower and strength and managing my food every single day. I felt like I was just on another diet and as much as I wanted to find a higher power, it felt totally on my own. But on the other hand, as I said above, I’ve tried several times before without success. So obviously I can’t do it on my own, and I’m not doing it on my own since it’s working better than it has before. I can definitely see that the program and group helps me to stay abstinent, which means that is part of my recovery. I’m still trying to grasp the idea of a higher power helping me, but am writing and praying every day to be willing to figure out what I need from a higher power.
HOW Question #9
9. Read Step 2 in the AA 12&12. How is the taking of Step One a necessity before taking Step Two?
Step Two talks about all the different stages where people might be at with their Higher Powers. I think it basically boils down to none of us believing in a healthy relationship with a Higher Power. It’s either not considering it or having considered it before but it failed or thinking you have a good relationship, but being too self-centered to see that’s a false idea. No matter where someone’s at, it takes an open mind and a lot of work to find that connection.
That’s why it’s important to take Step One. If you haven’t completely bottomed out, you might not be willing to go through with all you have to do to figure out the Higher Power stuff. It’s not easier for me to go against everything in my body that has a kneejerk bad reaction to anything religious. But I try because I WANT to believe. I WANT to have a relationship with a higher power and I WANT to recover. Until I fully take Step One and clear out the admission that I’m powerless, I don’t have room to build anything.
