confiance
searching for serenityArchive for vent
fear
I’ve been feeling really distant and struggling all day today. I had about 20 minutes until I was supposed to call my sponsor, so I decided to go into my room, shut off the light and get down on my knees and pray. Not repeat rehearsed prayers, but just talk to God until I had nothing left to say. I kept asking for help and asking for willingness, and after a few minutes, it felt like new things were been loosened and were free to be said outloud. And then I said, “God, I’m so afraid that even if I do everything I’m told, I’m going to be the one person who isn’t able to find recovery through this program.” I’m now realizing that I think that’s been a fear I’ve really held onto from the start of this program, but this is one of the first times I’ve prayed about it. I’m so terrified of letting go because I don’t believe it’s going to work. How self-centered is that? I actually think I could be the one person out of many this doesn’t work for? And then I say to myself, no, I’ve heard other people share about the terrible things they’ve done…if it works for them, it has to work for me. Yet again, how self-centered. As my sponsor says, “I’m just another bozo on the bus.” I have to learn to love myself and jump down from the ladder on which I’m always trying to work out whether I’m higher or lower than people. I just am. If I work this program, recovery will be shown to me, even if not as fast as I want it to be. I have to believe that.
Frustration
Today was far from a “perfect” day. After not eating at the election party last night, I was determined to stay on track and not fall back into sugar today. The morning was fine and I even tried to bring a different lunch so that my meal wouldn’t feel so boring. I had to go to the grocery store at lunch to buy more lettuce and I ended up getting some sugar free hard candy. I told myself it was ok because it didn’t have sugar, but if I’m honest with myself, there’s a reason I didn’t tell my sponsor about it. Same thing goes for the sugar free hot chocolate I had. By late afternoon, I was feeling like I had finally gotten back on track so I figured it would be fine to have just one piece of candy. I was so tired of always having to tell my sponsor that I failed that I didn’t mention any of these things. Instead I became a big sulking baby and vented about how frustrated I was. I didn’t want any suggestions because I was so resentful of the fact that I even had a problem that needed fixing. I didn’t care if there was a solution because I was sick of trying to solve.
Committing to call people before eating is basically guaranteeing I will either break my promise or not eat, because I can’t imagine calling someone and telling them I”m going to eat. That just seems horrible. By the time I call people, I’ve usually already decided deep down that I’m not going to eat, even if I haven’t fully admitted it yet. Because I know this, I sometimes feel like I might as well just promise not to eat, because it means the same thing. Then it feels like willpower all over again. It felt like nothing but gritting my teeth with willpower kept me from eating cupcakes in class tonight.
I don’t know where to go from here. While I don’t feel like I”ll give up on OA, I don’t believe I can ever be relieved of this obsession and trial. It’s just too impossible. It’s times like these that fighting it seems too hard because I can’t see myself winning. That’s why I don’t want solutions and that’s why I feel so resentful.
